Alive in the Night

In the dead of night the silence is calling.

In quiet stillness lay the epitome of mortality

slumbering deeply in ignorance of the awakening that stirs in the darkness.

Restless energy feeds on the frequencies emitted by blissful dreamers.

The one who values the blackness of night is awarded intensity of mind and enlightenment within.

Temptation reinforces addiction as time moves onward and breathes new life into the starving soul

patiently waiting for the flow of creativity to rise from the dead once again before the sun resurrects, 

beckoning the sleeping tabernacle to arise and come forth in the dew of the morning.

The smoldering flame of the inner essence catches and spreads with blazing force, 

filling the gaping void and quenching the thirst of burning desire.

Power intensifies the tormenting hunger of the flesh with the potent taste of excitement

as the spirit embraces and engulfs endless potential and unlimited collectiveness from the universe of abundance.

La Perla

La Perla, meaning the pearl, is symbolic for the pearl within.  I was drawn to this place that looked dark and sketchy, as if it offered me freedom.  The truth is, it did.  La Perla is symbolic to the place within me which is deepest and darkest.  The place which I ignore at all costs and attempt to conceal by building beautiful memories in hopes of overpowering the past, all the while avoiding the very thing that causes the corruption to spread to the other parts of my soul.  My visit that day was about making peace within myself.  It was about facing my fears.  Facing my defeats, my anger, my failure, my hate, my love, my peace, my beauty...my life as it has been.  La Perla within is all that goes without the ability to express.  Its the pain, grief and sadness that I've experienced in so much of my life...and the joy, hope and happiness I look forward to.  Its my inability to connect.  Its the ugly within me.  Its the abuse I've received and continue to self-inflict.  Its the rejection.  Its hardship and betrayal.  Its pleasure and excitement.  Its infinite power and wisdom.  Its all that others reject but which is and has been my primary existence.  I don't allow myself to go to that place because that place is unknown.  Its dangerous.  Its mysterious.  Its unpredictable.  Its messy.  Its chaos.  Its also the center of all that is me.  Its the base of my being.  Its the good and bad together.  Its all that I want to give up and all that I want to be wrapped up within me.  How could I face such a place?  How could I survive?  How could I live in a place like that?  Alone in the ghetto of my heart.  But I see beauty and art within the walls.  I feel comfort and healing in the waves along the shoreline.  I feel truth, purity and innocence in the children playing ball in the streets.  I see vibrant colors and creativity.  Could a place so disgusting truly be such a pearl?  Could I face the fear of all that I find down there along the way?  How can I protect myself when I'm exposed and vulnerable like that?  

The developing of a pearl within an oyster is an interesting process.  Sand gets into the inside of the oyster and festers somehow eventually becoming the pearl that we find.  But what of its beginning?  A mere grain of sand at the core.  Can good come from filth?  Could a place so dark and loathsome become the root of authenticity and magnificence?  

I descended down step by step within myself, past the pure and lovely...past the safety...then the questionable and dirty...past the joy and fun...into the empty ally way of my heart...down some more broken steps to the base of the depths of my soul...the unclean and unsafe...yet quiet and healing...the rocks that lay to discourage anyone, including me from going within the deep ocean on the other side.  I was drawn to this area.  All I wanted was to be down there.  To be by the water.  To feel safe at the water's edge.  With Satan's angels waiting on either end for me, I was only able to explore for a few minutes.  But this physical manifestation is but a symbol of my soul within.  

As I ascended above La Perla once again I was overcome by emotions...all of them at that very moment.  I tapped into a place which was ready to be cleaned, rebuilt and healed.  The Savior came in to rebuild La Perla...and He took all that was...and He healed it...and in its place He left me white sandy beaches surrounded on one side by green trees and on the other with clear, clean, warm, blue water clear enough to see the details on your toes...with the bright, warm sun (Son) beaming overhead in the clear, blue sky.  

Remember.  Never forget.  Let go.  Move on.  You are healed.  La Perla of my soul is what the Lord left within me after the festering of the sand for as long as I could take it...the light and beauty within. 

A Spiritual Connection to the Elements

Have you ever had a spiritual connection to the elements? Lightning, thunder, rain, air…the sound, the smell. Ever listened and watched in amazement? It brings such a feeling of peace…of security…of excitement. I had an experience like this once before tonight. I was on a balcony with three friends in Queen Creek. We watched as the lightning drew pictures across the sky and the rain kissed our skin softly. The connection we felt to each other that night was created through the immaculate performance before us. Tonight I felt that same calming essence as I sat on the back porch watching heaven paint its’ masterpiece. There’s something so amazing about it. I felt a peace I have not experienced in so many years; somewhere between 7 or 8, I think. It takes me back…to life before responsibility and before the fear really kicked in. Back to life where hope and dreams still exist and the past didn’t haunt and torment. A quote continues burning in my brain,” The greatest fear is fear itself”, and suddenly it all comes together. Life is just life. There’s nothing fancy about it. All we get is what we put into it. The memories are as we create them. And the love we give and receive is always more than what we should come to expect. I watched the sky go from a dark emptiness to a blanket of white within just a few short minutes. I heard the rain lightly tapping the rooftop then transition to a shower and cease just as quickly. I watched the palm trees sway in the wind and bend under the wrath of the drops falling on them. The air purified and perfected itself. The water poured from the heavens as if to cleanse itself. And me, I was one with all of them. And me, I was complete with all of them. So simple, so lovely, so full of life. And then it ended…no, it began. Isn’t it glorious! Life is a series of events. Some weaken us but only for a moment. The strength we gain is everlasting and eternal. The love, joy and spirit we gain is what keeps us looking for more…craving more…and hope for that is what keeps us alive. Life is just life. Isn’t it beautiful! So simple yet so complex. Always answering but leaving plenty of room for questions. Sometimes feeling like the end but always continuing on and creating new memories…new love…starting over.

My life started a long time ago...this is today. Happiness 101.

I've heard many times over the years that anyone can DECIDE to have a good day or a bad day. While I've believed that to an extent, I have never truly felt a connection to the truth in it or how it worked...until last night. I've always thought if I felt badly about what happened in my day it was bad...or on the other hand, if I felt good about the things that happened to me one day, it was great! The fact of the matter is this...I CAN'T choose all of what I experience from day to day. In fact, the more I try to manipulate my experiences the greater chance it's going to lead to a source of negativity because of my LACK of authority over my circumstances and life. Control in this way is not only overrated...its false and doesn't ACTUALLY EXIST. (This may be shocking coming from me, but I do LOGICALLY understand it) The ultimate paradigm shift came in this way for me: At the end of the day (or during/after a particular circumstance) I can be negative or positive about it. Granted, I naturally feel more of a magnetic pull to be positive if it was a good experience and negative if it was a bad one, but I can CHOOSE to be negative about a good one and positive about a bad one, so in retrospect that IS something I can regulate. This means after a day like yesterday (nothing great happened and I didn't feel anything wonderful) my experience does NOT have to define the greatness of my day. I claimed it to be a good day in spite of what did or did not occur and I stood behind that feeling which then, in turn, made me feel terrific! So in fact, the situations of the day have nothing to do with how wonderful I perceive the day has or has not been. A day full of negative experiences and LOTS of growth opportunities can be a TERRIFIC day! I've been looking for reasons to justify my day being wonderful or dull, when I had the idea behind it totally wrong. If I focus on the external events to bring me joy and happiness I will have some, but I will have many perfectly fabulous days that aren't satisfactory because they simply existed and didn't include any stupendous events. On that same thought, If I'm focusing on external events I will continue to have countless horrible days because the opportunities I'm having aren't high enough for my expectations and ideals...or are actually awful circumstances. In reality, its not necessary to lose the greatness of those days because of a few less than perfect situations.

I can choose for this day to be a terrific day regardless of what happens. This is the best day of my life thus far because I know I am heading in the right direction! My experiences are not all that I want and my life situation does not meet the expectations and outcomes that I hope for, but my day TODAY is the greatest it could ever be. I have complete control over how I feel about this moment and it's A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.